so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
