Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
