I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
