My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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