I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think I am morally bankrupt
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
