If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
