just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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