On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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