I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize