theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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