I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
