You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
