The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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