She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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