i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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