I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this boner is exhausting
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
