when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
