There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
