we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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