Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
