Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
