i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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