mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize