the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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