My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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