Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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