I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
