I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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