I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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