I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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