I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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