i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
