i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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