I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You've changed since you got that strap on
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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