I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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