Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
