i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
