I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
