im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I want to have your abortion
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
