when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
