I wanna bring you to show and tell
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
