Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My vagina is officially offended.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
