He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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