Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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