did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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