I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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