Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize