ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
