Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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