i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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