Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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