She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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