i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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