Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize