...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
