Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
