Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
