You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
