I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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