my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
